Self-Preservation

Salting, drying, making jam out of, or soaking myself in brine or vinegar doesn't sound enticing. An alternative: I need some acting skills. And I need them now. Curse those who unconsciously (or consciously!) force me to act and be false to deal with them so that I don't crumble in an sad, angry heap on the floor. Perhaps I should learn (by osmosis?) from those careening about outside my dungeon of an office. They're good enough to fool me: screaming, crying and what not, creating a lively soundscape resembling a midday soap opera in the corridor. I love the sounds of creative life in the background of fantastically loud Paganini; but I just wish that I could be as emotionally convincing! So please, any takers on helping me with some acting advice?! I don't have much trading currency, but I can barter with you for food, nerd gear, philosophical discussion, or skills in milking the udders of this (educational) institution...